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I think we can all agree that peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are tied for 2nd on the all time list of iconic sandwiches. Of course, being tied with tuna, behind ham and cheese and just above the knuckle sandwich. But I’m not here to rank the sandwiches (although I pretty much just did). I’m here to give you an easy 10 step guide to creating the perfect peanut and butter and jelly sandwich. Let’s get to it.
STEP 1 – Go to the grocery store. If you’re anything like me, the only thing in your fridge right now is a deck of playing cards and a VHS copy of Batman Returns. If at all possible bring along a reusable bag or an old box. If all else fails, a pillowcase. While at the grocery store, get a basket and pretend to look at the fruit and vegetable aisle before heading to the canned goods section. Stopping by the deli section and demanding samples of all the varieties of ham is optional. Purchase a 16 ounce container of creamy peanut butter, a loaf of sliced bread (white or whole wheat) and a 12 ounce container of strawberry (possibly Concord Grape) jam.
STEP 2 – Be alone. This starts before step one. The sadness of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is a key element. If someone is with you during any of this process you’ll likely think of something else to eat. Ignore other people and your impulses. This PB and J is going to work out. Trust me. (or should you?) Yes.
STEP 3 – Lay out your ingredients. This should be a peaceful moment between you and the sandwich baby you’re about to birth then eat like some sort of demented jungle animal (panther). Ingredients should be placed around a dinner plate counter-clock wise in this order: bread, peanut butter, jelly, butter knife. Above your main ingredient arch place a carton of milk and an empty 18 ounce glass. Now you’re ready to get your hands dirty!
STEP 4 – Wash your hands. Always do this before preparing any meal.
STEP 5 – Take that bread to lightly toasted town! Remove two slices of bread from the bag. DO NOT USE THE END SLICES. Inspect for any major holes, manufacturer defects or spiders. Throw two slices of bread in a toaster. Adjust toaster level to “golden brown” or “4″. Place those golden carb tablets on its final resting place (plate).
STEP 6 – These knives were meant for spreading and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these knives will spread some peanut butter for you… and that day is today. Place your butter knife in the container of peanut butter and perform a clockwise “swoop” motion leaving your knife with a substantial amount of murdered peanut paste on your sandwich sword. Using “the snake technique” spread the peanut butter on your bread.
STEP 7 –
I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.Now you’re ready for the jelly. Wipe off your dagger on the inside of your mouth. Open jar of jelly. If the lid of the jar is on too tightly place it under hot water or smash the jar with a blunt object. Remove chunks of glass. If jar is still in tact, swirl knife inside jar using the “tornado technique”. Lift jar and tilt it on a 20 degree angle. While “tornadoing” allow jelly to cascade onto your second slice of bread. Once your blob of jam is about the size of a 1832 American silver dollar, spread using the “starburst technique”.STEP 8 – Clap your bread together gently. Using your jelly coated knife, slice the sandwich diagonally from the top left edge of the crust towards the bottom right corner of the sandwich.
STEP 9 – Pour 3/4 of milk (1% and 2% are acceptable) into an 18 ounce glass.
STEP 10 – Set dinner table, turn off all lights, start to cry and ENJOY! Take your first bite from the top left corner of the sandwich half on your right… no… YOUR right. There you go.
You may be asking yourself “Norm, why does the picture above look nothing like the sandwich you described?” To that I say, that’s a visual of what NOT to do. If your peanut butter and jelly sandwich looks like that you fucked up. Throw it out and start again.
There you have it. A simple 10 step process on making the perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I hope you enjoy making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches using my simple 10 step process for years to come. Keep your spoons clean and your napkins dirty.