With a heatwave hitting the east coast, it’s safe to say summer is not fucking around this year. It’s hot outside. Hot, sticky and gross. How do you beat the heat? You could go for a swim or wear a tank top all day and jump through sprinklers while all your cool friends watch on and laugh like they’re having the best time of their lives if you and your friends are fit. In that case I hate you and stop reading. If you’re not in shape and the idea of skinny dipping in a public pool or even the idea of jumping is not an option? Maybe you failed on your New Years resolution and only went to the gym a couple times and then stopped going cause the girl at the front desk looked at you weird. That’s why I’m here. Check out these cool tips for beating the heat if you have body issues.
1. Stay indoors.
Indoors doesn’t have a sun. The sun is where most of the hot comes from. If you don’t have air conditioning my God. STOP READING AND GET SOME AC! If you can’t afford a air conditioning I suggest getting some fans. Fans are great. Not only do they help you keep cool but they also provide a gentle hum to put your sweaty carcass to sleep. Plus, indoors has TV.
2. Dress to depress.
I’ve been told that black attracts the sun. I’ve also been told that black is slimming. I know for a fact that it’s harder to see pools of sweat on your body with a black shirt than a jazzy pink one that the kids are sporting these days. You ever see a Portuguese Nona sweating like crazy? NO. Baggy shirts are good because the extra material acts as a fan in the wind.
3. Stay hydrated.
Water will cause you to sweat more than normal. Soda and alcohol will actually dehydrate you. I’m not sure how to fix this problem. Maybe put a lot of ice in your mix drink? I’m just guessing here. You should probably drink water during the day and then soda in the evening to give you the energy to drink all night. Avoid crying. It’s like sad sweat for your eyes.
4. Experiment!
It’s likely you’re not going to venture out to the public swimming pool to have a dip with your shirt on. Why even leave the house? Remember step 1? There are so many things you can do at home to beat the heat. You could replace your pillows with bags of frozen vegetables, tie a Freezie to your wiener, put a popsicle in your butt crack, tape ice cubes to your body, put a scoop of ice cream in your hat, hug a wet dog. The list goes on and on.
5. Don’t look at anyone.
If you’re feeling “physique shame” you’re probably thinking people are looking at how gross you are. I think that way constantly. Does that mean you and I need professional help with our body issues and self-esteem? Probably. In the meantime just don’t look at anyone. You won’t see them already not looking at you cause no one even cares about you. Throw on some shades so no one notices your dehydrating tears.
There you have it. If all else fails remember that you don’t need to go to the beach. Just close your eyes and visit imagination beach inside your mind. If you have a child or a pet please don’t leave them in your car. Imagine someone locked you in a metal box in 40 degree weather. Bring them into the store with you or at home with someone you trust. Stay cool out there friends.